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Swordlord

Drachen befreien und Jungfrauen verkloppen...

Tretet ein und werdet Zeugen der Legende
um den furchtlosen Swordlord Günther
und Lutz, den Drachen.

The Legend of the Sacred Reich of Arm

Swordlord (MP3 4,37MB)
The Bottle of Waterloo (MP3 4,23MB)
Sword of Aluminium (MP3 3,50MB)
A Song about the Forest (MP3 2,21MB live von Waffenknecht)
Blinded by Blindness (MP3 2,08MB)
Pestilential Mist (MP3 1,75MB)
Fight the Fight (MP3 3,15MB)

The (ancient magnificent unbelievable but true) Story of Glory (of the warrior of doom of death) (MP3 6,79MB)

The Battle of Metal (MP3 7,43MB)

A map of the Sacred Reich of Arm

The Legend of the Sacred Reich of Arm

Boy: Grandfather, tell me a story!
Grandfather: Oh, all right. Go and get your storybook.
Boy: No, no. Not one of those. A real story!
Grandfather: A real story?
Boy: Yes! Tell me about when you were a boy!
Grandfather: Well then. I shall have to take you back with me a long way in time...

Once upon a time, or maybe two, I used to wander through the sacred Reich of Arm. The story began when a young boy was born in Beforeforestvillage. His father was a famous black blacksmith named Alfred. The boy was chosen to be the chosen one and his name was Günther.

Swordlord (MP3 4,37MB)

Intro:
I always carry a sword
That's why I'm the Lord of the sword
And if I hadn't a sword
I wouldn't be the Lord of the sword
If I had, for example, not a sword but a board
I would be the Lord of the board, not the sword
And if I drove a Ford
I'd be neither the Lord of the board nor the sword
But I always carry two swords in my shorts
That's why I'm the Lord of the swords
(and not of the board or Ford or short)
GOT IT, MOTHERFUCKERS!!??

The Swordlord sorely sought for a sword
He sawed the air in soaring thoughts
And then the Swordlord saw a sword
Of the sort to be a Swordlord's sword

Chorus
The Swordlord draws his sword
For he is the Swordlord, the Lord of all swords
The Swordlord draws his sword
For the Swordlord is the Lord of the swords

The Swordlord has sworn by his sword
To follow the law and eat all his slaw
The Swordlord calls for his sword
The Swordlord's sword is his law

Chorus
The Swordlord draws his sword
For he is the Swordlord, the Lord of all swords
The Swordlord draws his sword
For the Swordlord is the Lord of the swords

The Swordlord is called the Swordlord
Cause the Swordlord is all swords' Lord
And the shortsword of the Swordlord
Is the shortest sword of all Swordlords' swords

Chorus
The Swordlord draws his sword
For he is the Swordlord, the Lord of all swords
The Swordlord draws his sword
For the Swordlord is the Lord of the swords

In the meantime, the King of Kredencreek (whose name was Klaus King but everybody called him King Klaus) caught his beautiful wife Gunda in bed with King Rudi of Beforeforestvillage, who had not paid for it. King Klaus sent his wife to the enchanted forest Gump, where a wicked dragon dwelled in his lair. The name of the dragon was Lutz, and Gunda probably died a bizarre death not suitable for children under 12.

Klaus felt even more lust for revenge and declared war on Beforeforestvillage. The war was horrible because it was terrible. All the time people cried the ancient war cries of the impaled Nazarene:

Do ya want - total war...

The war seemed endless, because Kredencreek had only twelve inhabitants but Beforeforestvillage had about two million. Here is a tale from this war.

The Bottle of Waterloo (MP3 4,23MB) (music and a few words by RUNNING WILD)

June the 17th 1815
The pub at "Belle-Alliance"
A bottle of Wodka, barrels of beer
All the soldiers are here

The bottle's opened, barrels are tapped
British grenadiers drink tight
Wellington's command "I don't feel alright..."
But no toilet in sight

The Bottle of Waterloo - A sea of booze that stains the floor
The Bottle of Waterloo - beer and ale the bloody goods
The Bottle of Waterloo - They drink and puke, fall one by one
The Bottle of Waterloo - A tribute to the bloody alcohol

Right, right - we're drinking hard tonight
Cheers, Cheers - come on and have your beers
Drink, drink - your puke flows in the sink
Buy, buy - but no-one will ever pay for you

The French guards drink on and on
Straight on the British account
British soldiers are getting sour
Want their money right now

The French guards pay one by one
But Napoleon has gone
The British cry: "Tomorrow's the day
when Napoleon will pay!"

Now back to our dragon Lutz. Lutz enjoyed the taste of Gunda quite much. And so he flew (economy class) to the tiny village of Hilchencreek and kidnapped the Princess Hildegard who lived there with a man and a woman and a mouldy old grandfather named Heinz (who is not important at all and does not appear in this story). Lutz took the princess back to his lair and claimed the following items from King Klaus:
-One hundred thousand and two pieces of Gold
-One kilo pound
-Two million inhabitants
-A ready fueled getaway car
-and one pizza (tuna + double cheese).

King Klaus got in panic and called all young heroes of his realm to his court. The problem was that the twelve inhabitants of his country included merely one single youngster whose name was Kevin and who was a total idiot because he used to sit in front of his playstation all day instead of fighting for his country. But Günther of Beforeforestvillage heeded the call. He rode secretly but proudly to the court of his enemy and introduced himself.

Sword of Aluminium (MP3 3,50MB)

My will is made of iron
My heart is made of gold
My soul is made of silver
That's how the story's told

My eyes are made of crystal
My voice is full of pride
My hair is made of starlight
That shines so bright at night

My balls are made of pudding
My dick is made of steel
My liver's made of concrete
I can drink very viel

My gloves are made of metal
My boots are made of wood
My shield is made of plastic
My helm's schon quite kaputt

My horse is made of horse (of course)
My sword of aluminium
Whatever dragon comes my way
I will bring him um
Bring him to me, I bring him um
With my sword of aluminium

King Klaus was quite impressed and ordered Günther to kill the evil dragon, to rescue his daughter Hildegard, to end the war, and to make the world a better place. Günther happily obeyed and rode into the forest Gump.

A Song about the Forest (MP3 2,21MB live von Waffenknecht)

This is a song about the forest. And it's a song about the forest
And the song is called "A Song about the Forest". And it's a song about the forest Gump.

In dem Wald, Wald, Wald
Ist es kalt, kalt, kalt
Und darum, -rum, -rum
Stehn da Bäume rum

Aufem Berg, Berg, Berg
Steht ein Zwerg, Zwerg, Zwerg
Der ist klein, klein, klein
Das muß so sein, sein, sein

Und im Tal, Tal, Tal
Liegt ein Wal, Wal, Wal
Der ist fett, fett, fett
Der muß mi'm Kran ins Bett

Und die Moral, -ral, -ral
Von der Geschicht, -schicht, -schicht
Weiß ich doch nicht.

So our mighty hero, warrior and swordlord Günther rode through the forest until he came into the wood. There he met an old bewitched witch which was named Ute.

Blinded by Blindness (MP3 2,08MB)

Günther riding through the woods, his throat was deadly dry
And then he thought he saw a pub right before his eye

But the pub it was no pub, it was an evil witch
Who had dressed up just like a pub, cause witches love to switch

Ute called him to her bar and offered him a drink
Günther was so parched with thirst that he could not think

Ute smiled a wicked smile, cause in the second pint
She switched the beer into methyl to make our hero blind

Blindedbyblindness he stumbled through the woods
He must rely upon his nose on his quest for Lutz

Now back to our dragon Lutz again. How did he treat his victim Hildegard all the time?

Pestilential Mist (MP3 1,75MB)

Lutz, the dragon, living in his lair
Like for a dragon usual he was a virgin-slayer
Lutz, however, had some human traits
His heart had a weakness for beautiful young maids

Lutz, the dragon, he could not decide
To eat or kiss sweet Hilde, because she looked so bright
Lutz, the dragon, his hunger was so great
But man, I can tell you, she was a quite grenade

Lutz, the dragon, at last made up his mind
He gently smiled at Hilde and tried to look so kind
Hilde, the princess, passed out before the kiss
Cause the breath of the dragon was PESTILENTIAL MIST

Finally Günther came to the Lair of Lutz, the dragon. As soon as he found out that Hildegard was still alive and quite well, he started a desperate attack. He met the dragon and the princess with a mighty CLASH! I could feel the ground shake. The earth drank much blood that day. Each of the three warriors held onto himself, a whirlwind of DOOM!

Fight the Fight (MP3 3,15MB) (music and some words by DERANGED)

I see the faces of death
Any dragon I fight
For me and Lutz no guess
I hear the princess cry

Is it Lutz? Is it the maid?
To kill along, cause I'm quite deranged

Never trust a witch in the world
All the methyl, I can't see
And so many battles I hear
About the war which means FIGHT

The princess she has lost
I killed her, she's in Paradise
The dragon's still alive
But I have won the fight

Is it Lutz? Is it the maid?
To kill along, cause I'm quite deranged

Never trust a witch in the world
All the methyl, I can't see
And so many battles I hear
About the war which means FIGHT

When the smoke did clear, princess Hildegard was dead. There was much blood and gore. Hilde's body lay broken and scattered across the battlefield like pink fingernails in a shopping mall. And Günther victoriously climbed a small hill in the forest Gump. And the Swordlord spoke the words of the Warrior's Prayer (MP3 1,31MB):

Gods of war I call you, my sword is by my side
My hammer's in the toolbox, my days are dark at night
I will slay every young princess, and set every dragon free
Cover me with experience points for each level of AD&D
Glory, Majesty, Pfefferminztea

And when Lutz the dragon saw Hilde lying dead in her own blood, and when he heard the mighty warrior's prayer, he suddenly realized his majesty and glory. He offered himself to be Günther's humble servant. So Günther eloped with Lutz to Latin-America, and they led a happy life in the sacred reich of Honduras forever after.

A tall, drunken travelling bard came to the court of King Klaus in Kredencreek and told everybody who dared to listen about the glory he had witnessed.

The (ancient, magnificent, unbelievable but true) Story of Glory (of the warrior of doom of death)
An ancient, magnificent Power-Metal masterpiece in three Acts (+ three choruses + a bridge + a prologue + an epilogue + an unbelievable but true bass-solo) (MP3 6,79MB)

Prologue:
Listen to the ancient, magnificent,
unbelievable but true
Story of Glory
of the warrior of doom of death

Act I:
This is the ancient, magnificent,
unbelievable but true
Story of Glory
of the warrior of doom of death

Chorus:
Ho, ho, ho, ho
The Story of Glory
Ho, ho, ho, ho
Don't worry, it's not too gory, ho, ho!

Act II:
And so began the ancient, magnificent,
unbelievable but true
Story of Glory
of the warrior of doom of death

Chorus:
Ho, ho, ho, ho
The Story of Glory
Ho, ho, ho, ho
Don't worry, it's not too gory, ho, ho!

Bridge:
The warrior killed the dragon
until it was dead.

Bass Solo

Act III:
And thus ends the ancient, magnificent,
unbelievable but true
Story of Glory
of the warrior of doom of death

Chorus:
Ho, ho, ho, ho
The Story of Glory
Ho, ho, ho, ho
I'm sorry, it was too gory, ho, ho!

Epilogue:
That was the ancient, magnificent,
unbelievable but true
Story of Glory
of the warrior of doom of death

Bad beginning, happy end:
Klaus is sad, cause Hilde's dead. Günther and Lutz haun auf'n Putz in the sacred reich of Honduras.
Ah, that's it. Did you like the story? I said did you like the story? WAKE UP YOU ROTTEN BASTARD!!!

The Battle of Metal (MP3 7,43MB) (music and words by APOSTROPHY)

Over the fields into the dying light
My brothers and I ride side by side
The glory of our armies is felt all over the land
As we await our enemies with sword in our hand

Standing proud, raise the hammers high
For the Battle of Metal we're bound to die

On the battlefield in the crimson night
My brothers and I fight side by side
Holy is our power, long is our breath
Hail to the Metal, put false ones to their death

Standing proud, raise the hammers high
For the Battle of Metal we're bound to die

Our armies are fallen, dismembered is our might
My brothers and I die side by side
The glory is immortal, our pride will never fade
The Spirit of the Metal leads us to Valhalla's gate

Standing proud, raise the hammers high
For the Battle of Metal we're bound to die